liana

Have you ever had one of those “friends”, who are just out to make your life miserable…well I have one of those. See, this person and I, haven’t been friends in years. I’ll call us acquaintances…In high school, we were best friends…after high school we had a falling out. She didn’t like the fact that I was friends with someone and defended that person. OWELL So since then, we haven’t spent much time together. Heck, up until two weeks ago, all communication was via a social network. She was planning a trip with her family to a beach about 20 min away from me. (Right now we live about 3 hours apart) She was going to be there for a week. We exchanged numbers and made plans on getting together for lunch. (she has a two year old son that I’ve never met because every time I tried to see him, there were too many excuses flying around) So, when I knew she was here, I sent her three text messages. Never got a response.  Now I’m pretty knowledgeable on the games that she plays, so I knew I wouldn’t get a response and I wouldn’t see her. I even told my boyfriend, I said, she won’t text, call or email me until she gets home…then she’ll have an excuse as to why…Now if there wasn’t history in her doing this, why would I call it EXACTLY? So she gets home and she texts me. She says, so sorry I forgot my phone.  But hmm, we live in 2009 and I know for a fact she was on the previous mentioned social network while she was on her vacation, a simple email would’ve been sufficient! So, in the process of all of this, that “friend” got deleted off of my social network friends list! I did my version of spring cleaning. Well, it took her about a week to realize that she’s been deleted…now she’s won’t leave me alone. She’s calling me childish for deleting her, telling me to keep on playing games, blah blah blah. But who’s playing games? obviously she’s insulted that she’s been deleted but I don’t see what the big deal is. Just leave me alone? I don’t need her as my “friend”. I haven’t seen her in 4 years…what kind of friend is that? I mean, would any of you harass someone if you’ve been deleted or would you take it as lesson learned, move on? After countless nasty emails yesterday, I decided to block all communications from her…SO guess what she did? she started texting me at 7am!  She is the kind of person who picks a fight with you but tries to make it sound like you started it? I’m 32 years old, quite happy with where my life is, I have awesome parents, a wonderful boyfriend and a few very close friends who I love. I don’t need the added stress of someone who is just bitter. She’s always had a way of insulting me and blaming me for things I didn’t do just to make herself look good in the end. I just read thru her texts again and it’s almost quite humorous. She WOKE ME UP and by the last text, she was like stop texting me with this bull and grow up and it’s funny how you can’t confront me face to face, you have to do it thru text….I was like whoooooaaaa! who started it? who’s confronting who??? How old are we? I’m just at a loss for words! So this is my morning! lol I’m so cranky! The good news is that my niece is coming over so I’ll have a 6 year old to distract me for a few hours. Then I’ll head to the gym to take my frustrations out on mr. treadmill…maybe today I’ll call her Mrs. Treadmill and pretend that she’s my annoying “friend”!

I don’t blog very often, nor am I very active in the BS community, however, I do take the time every day to read as many blogs as I can…and I must say, there is soooo much negativity going on lately! It makes me not want to read anymore!  I thought this site was about coming together and supporting each other, not saying negative things about the ONE PERSON who is ALWAYS there for EVERYONE. Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen (on more than one occasion) a blog in some way directed towards Nancy. Now, Nancy and I do not speak very often, but I will say this: Her blogs are the first ones I read. Why? because she is real, honest and struggles every day just like the rest of us. She puts herself out there (good, bad and indifferent) in hopes that she can make someone else’s day a little easier. She is living proof that if we want something bad enough, we can achieve it with healthy eating and exercise, not diet pills or fad diets.  Yes, Nancy speaks her mind, but she does it in a POSITIVE way and I’m sure most of you will agree with me when I say that Nancy is an inspiration to all of us…and if you don’t agree with me, that’s fine, just keep your negativity to yourselves because we are all better off without negative people in our lives.

So I haven’t been on in a week due to a NASTY cold.  I can’t workout and all I want to do is sleep.  I haven’t had many rest days thanks to my lovely boss who won’t allow me to call in sick.  I got this speech this week…”if you’re not here, then I lose money.” (duh, like I don’t lose money too? but how productive do you think I really am when my head is in a vice?) So because I don’t want to lose my job, I continued to work all week.  I don’t really think my patients enjoyed what should have been a nice therapeutic massage with my nose stuffed up and my constant coughing. It wasn’t very relaxing.  So needless to say, I probably infected a few of them, which of course makes me feel bad.  It wouldn’t have  happened if he’d just allow me to REST! So, I am taking this weekend to sleep.  I want to stop having to rely on alka seltzer cold and actually let my body heal.  So, with that said, I will probably be missing in action for a few more days until I’m strong enough to get back on the wagon!

Let me start off by saying that 6 years ago, I chose the wrong profession and now I’m stuck with it.  I am a massage therapist.  Don’t get me wrong, I would love being a massage therapist if I had my own clientele and didn’t have to answer to anyone or give them a percentage of what I make.  If I could be my own boss, life would be so much easier. BUT, that’s not the case.  I work for a chiropractor making ridiculously low wages for someone with my experience.  I am making less than what I made 6 years ago with my very first massage job.  I blame the economy for that because there used to be a time when massage therapy was a booming industry…now, I had no choice but to settle for crap, just to pay my bills. It’s pretty sad. So here I am, at a job I can’t stand, with a boss who’s main objective is to make my life miserable. I can’t speak without him taking what I say out of context. He constantly puts words in my mouth.  I honestly think seeing me upset is gratifying to him. Now if only I could be strong enough to not let his words hurt me, but of course I am big baby and start crying. I think he feels powerful when he puts me down. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute he’s really nice to me telling me that I am such an asset to the company and the next minute I’m afraid that I’m going to lose my job. I actually did try standing up to him, once, and that only made things worse. So basically, if I want to pay my bills and put food on the table, I will have to stay working here and enduring his daily verbal abuse. (pretty sad, huh?)  I have applied for so many regular office jobs, but since I haven’t worked in an office in 6 years, no one wants to take a chance on hiring me.  If I could only find SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get me out of here, I’d be so much happier.  I blame alot of my weight on my stress as a massage therapist. You never have job stability, especially in today’s failing economy.  I’m sure there are 10 people lined up for my job, which is why he can get away with treating me like garbage…he knows I won’t quit.

Sorry for blabbing, I just needed to vent.  I love you all!

So, I haven’t blogged in a while.  I really need to start doing it more often, it’s just that work has consumed my life.  Since my last blog, I am down a total of 11 lbs.  I feel great, my clothes fit better, I’m working out and making healthier eating choices.  (for the most part)  I did mess up a bit this weekend, but now I’m more focused than ever to get back on track.  I have a wonderful supportive boyfriend who is taking this journey with me so it makes it that much easier.   We each have our own goals that we desperately want to meet, which is why were are so focused.  He wants to get into the police academy in April (I need prayers everyone, this is something we really want, especially with the economy so messed up) and I want to be super sexy by the end of this year. Or as Journi puts it “divine in 2009″!!!  I am grateful for all of you and all of the support and motivation you have given.  I am extremely grateful for Shanna, who went out of her way to send me a DVD,  Nancy who is just such a beautiful and inspirational person and my girl Journi who always checks up on me to make sure I’m still on track.  You guys are awesome!  It would be a difficult to lose weight without your support!!

Well, for the past few months, I have been struggling with sleep.  It’s rare that I actually get a full night’s sleep.  I blame it on my weight and on stress from the economy.  Life hasn’t been easy and it’s affecting my sleep.  Now that I’m starting to lose weight and I’m not as broke as I was a few months ago, I would LOVE to sleep peacefully without my mind racing and tossing and turning all  night.  Any suggestions??

Ok, so this past weekend, I had a minor setback.  I can’t seem to resist chocolate!!  The cookie was just calling my name…and I gave in!  As good as it tasted, I immediately felt guilty.  I guess that’s a good thing.  So, I adjusted my calories accordingly and went on with my life.  I will NOT give in to the “cookie temptation” again.  I want to be thin!!!

First of all, I’d like to say, since I joined a few days ago, the support has been amazing.  I want to thank everyone for their nice comments and emails.  It means a lot to me knowing that there are people out there who can relate to what I’m going through.  Since I started my diet a week and a half ago, I have lost four pounds!  I’m so excited to see the scale go down instead of up.  I have not been starving myself, I’ve been staying full and I’ve learned to be creative with healthy food.  Tonight I made a personal pizza with reduced fat / organic ingredients and only 500 calories.  My boyfriend has been on the diet with me and he’s been seriously craving pizza.  Since delivery is too fattening and expensive, I made my own and it was delicious.  This makes the diet so much easier to stick with. As long as I can keep us both happy, we’ll continue to lose weight.

I have struggled with my weight all of my life.  Now at the age of 31, I am at my heaviest ever.  In the past year, I have gained 42 pounds.  I gained 25 lbs. from cortisone injections.  One in my wrist for Carpal Tunnel and one for a food allergy.  I also stopped taking birth control pills and noticed a slight weight gain.  But for the most part, my weight gain is from inactivity and poor diet. I lived in an apartment with a small kitchen, so I resorted to eating out and delivery for dinner because it was so hard to cook.  I have since moved and have a HUGE kitchen where I have learned to be creative with food.  I have tried many different diets and have failed at all of them so I decided to take a different approach.  I only eat my  meals now on the small dinner salad plates.  If it doesn’t fit, I don’t eat it.  I also cut out flour.  If I want bread of some kind, it’s whole wheat.  I have started being creative with pita bread and whole wheat wraps.  I also stopped all sugar intake.  Instead of butter, I use olive oil.  I try to incorporate some kind of monounsaturated fat with every meal.  I noticed that it’s helped control my hunger and I’m eating smaller portions and less calories altogether.  I am trying to maintain on 1200-1600 calories a day.  Sometimes that’s hard for me because I am a massage therapist and I need energy.  But I will make it work.  In the past four days of dieting, I have lost my first pound.  To some people, a pound isn’t much but to me, it’s the start of a brighter future.  I promised my boyfriend that if we ever get married, I want to be a skinny bride. lol  So this is my journey.  I ultimately want to lose between 70-90 lbs, but I will be grateful just to be healthy.